Introducing my Medicine & Reflections on Mom Guilt
In my attempt to help others, I tend to try to look at how can I first help myself. This is why I started making hyrbal medicine. ( My children's names are Zephyr and Summhyr, hence the Hyrbal. )And they are my whole world. Soon there will be Rikhyr also, or Winthyr or Decembhyr...we will see. I started making medicine to help my family, but there was no reason I couldn't also be making it to help others. So when I decided to start a blog/website, to post my medicine, I pondered what content I would like to produce for my blog. I suppose it will be a bit about the medicine, but that info is plastered all over the place already. What can I offer that is genuine, and unique to me, an offering that may not be out there yet, and also feeds my need for creativity. Starting out, I believe I want to talk about the concept of Mom Guilt. It was really a foreign concept to me until just recently. I am not sure why it didn't quite hit me so hard when I became a new mom 4 years ago. I think I was just in shock that I was even allowed the opportunity. I had this misconstrued belief placed on me when I was young by the medical system that I probably could not have children, much less even get pregnant. Fast forward thru many nights of not sleeping well, days of no breaks for myself, and the novelty of it all wore off a bit. I am still extremely grateful to be a mom , but I suppose after being exposed to the true reality of life that is parenting , it caused me to start focusing more on things that I really wanted to control more, like my children's futures, their health and their behavior of course. Always tending to blame myself for them not being completely happy in each moment. I definitely understand you cannot control a childs behavior necessarily, and shouldnt even really want to ...but I realized there were certain things I could do or not do that can help them to feel better. Things that maybe they haven't learned yet for themselves how to handle, or decide correctly. Take sleep for example, or food choices , etc. The list is endless. However, I have quickly realized the burnout in that as well. So basically the life of a parent is a tug of war between trying to help your children make the best decisions they can, or at least trying to teach them how to decide for themselves correctly, and also staying sane in the process. Also known as self care , I suppose. The Mom Guilt comes in at this point. When you prioritize your needs from time to time , and your children disagree with this prioritization. The irony is that if you don't care for your self, you cannot be at your best for them. My children hate when I'm in the sauna, for example. It's easy to take this personally and think "What do you know? Mommy needs this sauna time ! It's very good for me , health wise, plus I need a break!!" They can't know that though, they only see it as a large box that's keeping me away from prioritizing their needs. Which is obviously moms job !! I don't disagree that it is our job prioritize their needs, and sometimes even their wants. Recently we moved and it has of course been a process to get into a good flow with our kids. I also started working again recently, from home very part time , but still...it has caused me to compromise some things. For example we have been trying very hard to be screen strong and not allow them to watch too much TV. That has completely gone out the window, and the Mom Guilt has come soaring in the windows at high speeds. I keep telling myself it will get better , we will wean them off one day , and all will be well. But a darker deeper part of me in a Gollum voice says "no you won't....you need this time , it's so helpful. How will you ever get anything done ? It's not fair that you're on your devices all the time for work and they don't get to...whether it's good for them or not , they can't understand that ..."basically justifying my decisions. This has led me to explore my Mom Guilt though , and think maybe these decisions I've made to be screen strong and not allow them screen time is not ideal. The problem comes in when I realize how hard it is to control their screen time without causing rage to ensue over turning it off. Which causes another huge wave of Mom Guilt, at the inability to know what the correct decision is. A book I heard of recently called "Hunt Gather Parent " has really changed my view and helped me a lot. However , the author does only have one child , so it seems maybe things are a little easier for her. I actually haven't even read the book yet , thought I fully intend to. I have listened to every podcast and interview I could find though, as well as inadvertently moved to the town the author lives in and recommends as a good place to raise children. We definitely did not move here for that reason alone but it did have a hand in convincing me that this was the place to be. We are still trying to find our community here , so I am hopeful that will help. But in the meantime, my biggest takeaway from it is that she recommends over and over , just try to do what is an easier approach and seems to make everyone happy in the end. If that's not happening , you're doing it wrong and just try tweaking something else. Try being more calm. Especially when they're upset, try to show them what behavior is appropriate. My toddler literally told me the other day " Mom I need you to be calm ." It was a bit triggering because of course I wanted to say :"Watch it young man, I believe it is I who needs YOU to be calm !! You don't tell your parents what to do !" But that's obviously not what to say to a 4 year old. I need to change my mindset and thank him for reminding me what is important. So far, waking up early to have time to myself has helped a bit, even though it definitely is not solving my sleep deprivation. Learning to have grace with myself is helpful, like letting my toddler watch videos if I am brushing his long hair. Otherwise it is impossible. Knowing I am doing my best and at least choose educational videos. One of the most important things I am implementing is catching myself and doing mindset work whenever I notice I am getting really upset. I was really dreading brushing my toddlers hair today...but I checked my mindset and realized you know, I am so grateful he likes to keep his hair long, its so beautiful, and that I know I won't be brushing his hair forever. This overwhelm in my life is not forever. My kids don't mean to be demanding things from me all at the same time, but that is a huge trigger for me. Especially because I already have so much on my mind, when people are coming at me from all ends, it makes life really hard. But its just a season that I am in. I asked my husband for help with the kitchen this morning, probably not in the most graceful manner, but I chose to check myself and my mindset before coming at him with an ungrateful or snarky attitude. As I am writing this , something happened. Our neighbor came by and offered a huge track set to my son, under one condition, that he doesn't watch tv! I was so happy he said this, and confirmed my convictions about wanting to stay screen strong. He said it ruined his children, for them to always have several electronics available to them. So I am determined and hopeful that things will work out, we will get back to being screen strong. So I say all this, not to tell everyone that they need to have Mom Guilt about their children's screen usage. Maybe it doesn't matter to you, and thats fine. Everyone is different, and allowed to choose for themselves what the best way to raise their children is. We all need to decide which things are deal breakers for us, and have grace with other things. Its all about balance, and figuring out what works best for us. Stay tuned for more, and know your'e not alone. The struggle is Real, but we are all doing our best. If you feel the Guilt overwhelming your life though , know that you're worth it to pull yourself out of it and do what you need to get through .
